my fear of insulin and how I sort of got over it

I was diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic on 7 May 2004. I was told that I'd be on 750 mg Metformin twice a day. Abut a year later, it went up to 1000 mg, twice a day. I began to dread the notion of having to "go on the needle": that is, start using injected insulin or other drugs. I was very opposed to this.

There have been three times diabetics nurses have tried to get me to start using something injected. Each time, Dr. Hostetler agreed (cooperated with) to my desire to remain on pills. I don't think I was afraid of having to inject myself. After all, I had gotten used to checking my blood sugar so it couldn't have been that fear. However, I don't know how the pain level would be changed by the addition of adding the injection phase to the stabbing phase. (I see a hypodermic injection event as first, putting the needle in and second, injecting the liquid.)

I was afraid of the various side effects like

1. having to check my blood sugar more frequently,
2. the pain of the injections,
3. my schedule changes so often, how would I arrange injection times when we had severe weather when I was working evenings,
4. I would have to fear hypoglycemia,
5. simple fear of the unknown.

My Father and youngest brother "went on the needle" and both died young.. My Father at age 68 (I was 42 when he died and 68 seemed old; I am 58 now and 68 doesn't seem old!) and my brother Charles Andrew Bell died at 44 years, 1 month, 8 days (that was too damn young!) So, what is the relevance of this?

That both went "on the needle" and died young. I have been terrified that I would "go on the needle" and die young as well. I've been told this is nonsense and have not believed it. I have also been told I am not being rational (I agree with that!) and Kathie thought I was being a "drama queen" (what ever that is supposed to be).

My fear ignores that my Father smoked 2 to 3 packs of cigarettes a day for maybe 35 years and drank a bit (not the alcoholic my sister-in-law Denise thinks he was); he lost a lot of weight and tried harder to live right that I have. Shit! Charlie smoked too, claims to have snorted coke (not the beverage!) in the 1980s and did not "eat right". (I suspect he could not afford to eat right.)

I told Dr. Hostetler that "i guess I'll jump off the cliff". I wanted to say "jump into the abyss" but I restrained. Dr. Hostetler replied "that's silly". I said "I guess you're right". "It's like jumping off a step stool".

OK, I guess I can't argue with him there and I suddenly had a revelation: I'm not horrified by the idea of inject able drugs; I'm almost ready to try injecting.

The needle is just another way of getting diabetic drugs into my body; just an alternative to pills. Being diabetic is not about taking pills or shooting up something, it is about having shity "control" of my blood sugar and dealing with the consequence


I have had to give up the idea that if you are not on insulin, you are not a real diabetic. I was wrong; if you're diabetic, you're a diabetic. Get over it!

NOTE:  The image comes from page 47 of the graphic novel version of "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson and illustrated by Elman Brown and I have used it in what I believe to be "fair usage".